Fuck It In The Ass #4: Parental Advisory: It’s Only Explicit If You Think It Is

“I realize I say ‘fuck’ a lot and I’d apologize but I don’t give a shit.” – Lewis Black

In my line of work I get asked dumb questions on a fairly regular basis.  Since it comes with the territory it’s to be expected.  There are times however that I will be asked a question that is so mind numbingly stupid that I seriously consider making a career move into alcoholism..  Thankfully for my liver and my wallet I have yet to do so.

Though earlier this week I did have a moment where I thought to myself, Well, maybe I could get used to seven dollar gin…

My co-worker received an email that they could not make heads or tails of.  So I was asked to have a look at it to see if I could make some sense out of it.

I read the email.  I read it again.  When I tried to read it a third time my brain just decided to take a nap.

Once I had recovered and took stock of the situation at hand, I realized this would require a very thought out response.  I had to put together a professional and concise reply that would effectively inquire of the sender: “Why the fuck did you ask that question?”

After a few moments another idea popped into my head: Why couldn’t I just ask “Why the fuck did you ask that question?”

The reasons for that should be pretty obvious.  If they’re not obvious then A) you’re probably unemployed, B) your workplace has some very loose personal conduct policies, or C) you own the company.

Besides the direct attack on the intelligence of the individual who posed the question, my answer also contains something that makes some peoples’ blood curdle: a swear word.

It’s hard to believe that in the world in which we live where we can easily share thoughts and ideas with many people all over the planet… have one person take a great idea and turn it into a technological powerhouse… where physical and cultural borders can be erased allowing the people to band together to do great things… that there are still people who hang onto this concept of ‘bad language’.

But then again, I remember that Iowa allows gays and lesbians to get married while California does not.  I forget where I live sometimes.

Any word can be construed as bad language depending on the context.  Years ago I had an employer who would use the word ‘sugar’ as a replacement for any expletive that would have been appropriate at the time.  But the intent behind using that word was apparent.  They had turned ‘sugar’ into a swear word.  If there were millions of people who started using the word in this manner, after so many years some farmers in Jamaica would no longer know what to call their crops.  Probably bleep cane.

But even these naughty terms can have a positive connotation.  We’ve all had that moment where someone we knew went to a concert or a sporting event, and upon their return we’d ask them how it was.  And they would respond, “It was fucking awesome!”  At that point the word ‘fucking’ has become a superlative that is easily understood.

With the inverse to that these words also have a just as easily understood negative meaning.  In most cases people use these words as an expression of anger.  I would rather have someone use a verbal outburst to describe their displeasure of something rather than doing so through other means.  Having Airmattress yell “Motherfucker!” when he gets hit by an EX Snake Strike from Rufus is better than him throwing the controller in disgust.  Because if he throws one of my arcade sticks during one of these moments he’s getting his ass kicked.

In the past I’ve brought up this idea to others, sometimes I would receive the following argument: “Well, those who cuss aren’t smart enough to use any other words.”

I can’t think of a more appropriate response than this one: bullshit.

Anyone who puts forth their thoughts with a limited vocabulary is going to look like an idiot regardless of the content of their speech.  Someone who truly uses ‘fuck’ like it was a comma is going to look as smart as the person who uses ‘like’ in the same manner.  Language is much like using spices in a dish.  Use the right blend and the end result is delicious.  Use too much of one thing and it all falls apart.  Greg Graffin using the word ‘fucking’ three times in “Punk Rock Song” goes down better than any other song that uses these terms in every other line.

The fact that we live in a place in the 21st century where people  are cold, hungry, and lonely and there are diseases we have yet to find a cure for but yet people are still seriously concerned about the words that may come out of one’s mouth speaks of misplaced priorities.

And to those people I have one thing to say: go fuck yourselves.

How should the concept of bad language be fucked in the ass: with a dictionary of every supposed swear word from every dialect uttered on this planet.  All printed in 144 point font.