Fuck #1: Low calorie beer
I’ve been seeing way too many ads for MGD 64 lately. A 64 calorie beer? Seriously? Are there that many cheap drunks who are worried about their girlish figure? I do have to wonder what technology they may have used to wring every last calorie and bit of taste they could out of that beer. Because that is something that I would drag before the churches of the world as an example of how the forward march of science needs to be curtailed. But this does also prove that God does not exist. Because if beer truly was proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, then He would never allow such a thing to be foisted upon the planet as it would most certainly be an affront unto the eyes of the Lord.
How should low calorie beer be fucked in the ass: with a bottle of Samuel Smith’s Oatmeal Stout.
Fuck #2: mild-anything food
Food should never have anything with the prefix of ‘mild’ in it. Food doesn’t need to club us over the head like a baby seal with flavor, but at least give us something to enjoy in this drudgery known as life. Mild cheddar can mildly go fuck itself. If a group of jalapeno peppers should ever find themselves in the presence of some mild cheddar, they should immediately pretend they are in Juarez and take care of business. And if anyone tries to show me a bottle of mild hot sauce, I will tell them they are full of shit. Mild hot sauce is a contradiction, and if the supposed hot sauce knows what is good for it it will disappear in a puff of logic.
How should mild-anything food be fucked in the ass: with pure capsacin crystal.
Fuck #3: BP
Much has been said about BP, so I will leave it at this: may they explode and sink.
How should BP be fucked in the ass: with a blade from a wind tower rotated by an engine that runs on solar.
Fuck #4: summer
Anyone who says they enjoy summer should be taken to a doctor with all speed because it will be obvious they have mental health issues that need to be addressed. A season where when I’m outside for more than three minutes that makes my cash and prizes cling to my leg like they were hanging on for dear life needs to go away a bit quicker than my hydration level. This dreaded change in weather also needs to be brought in front of the World Court. Because the heat isn’t just oppressive… it’s downright fascist.
How should summer be fucked in the ass: by no one going outside. The season would feel so embarassed that it would leave never to return. In it’s stead we would get a happy medium between spring and fall. I propose that the new season be called ‘fring’.
Fuck #5: Trencher
Any person who succeeds in DOSing their own hosting company should be considered a medium severity threat by Symantec. This admin changes site designs more often than a whore changes her phone number to get away from that creepy guy that they really wish they didn’t offer an Around The World to for $100. And as my good friend Airmattress once put it: he takes longer to appove one of my articles for publication than it takes a bank to approve a home loan.
How should Trencher be fucked in the ass: with an old school Mac mouse attached to a computer that is trying to install an update to WordPress. But instead it is slowly deleting the Spankwagon website and the only way he can get out of it is to right click.
Funny you should mention all of that…
There’s currently five different kinds of hot sauce in my fridge. I certainly have nothing against hot stuff. That said, most of the time (not always) I actually prefer a good mild salsa. I’m not sure why, but I just kinda prefer the taste of tomatoes + onions + cilantro + a little lime juice.
What I do say FIITA to, though, is shit that advertises itself as hot & spicy that barely tastes like it has a little black pepper on it.
Also, who the fuck names a season after a Skype/IM client?
Also, another FIITA to this retarded ‘you must be logged in to post a comment’ bullshit.