Fuck It In The Ass #8: This Ain’t Breakfast Food

I’m going to start this article with a question for the audience.  Whenever you have your first meal of the day what foodstuff is it that gets you ready for the day?  Yogurt and some fruit?  Granola?  An omelet?  Oatmeal?  A gin and tonic?

Has anyone ever felt ready to take on the world with 100 grams of sugar and pie crust?

Probably not.

So why the fuck are Pop Tarts still considered breakfast food?

When you walk down the breakfast aisle of your local grocery store there are a lot of things there that make sense within the context of the most important meal of the day.  Cereal… OK.  Granola… good.  Pancake mix… usually a weekend thing but fine.  Wheat germ… hell, I don’t know.  Cream of Wheat… fine for people with no teeth and occasional irregularity.

Here’s a rule of thumb: if frosting is involved, whatever it is on should be considered a snack.

At this point some people would bring up pancake syrup as a counter argument.  I won’t deny that the stuff holds little nutritional value.  But it doesn’t make up thirty three percent of your meal.  In a lot of cases it can make for an enjoyable contrasting flavor.  Dipping your bacon or sausage in a bit of Vermont maple is fine.  If you’re putting whipped strawberry on your eggs then you’re a sick fuck.

The only things Pop Tarts prepare you for are a sugar crash and hunger pangs.  If this shit is supposed to give me a good start then the sugar to protein ratio had damned well be better than eight to one.

By this point I’d bet some people are thinking to themselves, “OK, what the fuck Rob?  You’re bitching about Pop Tarts.  Couldn’t you find anything better to complain about?”

Not really, but I do have a reason for bringing this up.  Might be a lame one, but that’s never stopped me before.

What drove this was an article in the New York Times about how Kellogg’s was going to open a store in Times Square called Pop Tarts World.

I really dislike tourist traps that are based on brands, but some of them I can understand.  One of these places based on Hershey or Coca-Cola make sense since they are historical icons.  But Pop Tarts?  I have never seen anyone wearing a t-shirt displaying a box of Brown Sugar and Cinnamon or Strawberry.  If I ever do it had better only be those two, since they are the only flavors worth a shit.  If I see otherwise I will give that person a kick in the junk and a punch in the basket of Vanilla Milkshake.

If someone had asked me to come up with a Pop Tarts styled experience for visitors, probably the best I could have come up with is dressing up as a Pop Tart handing out pamphlets for those who have a concerted effort to suffer from Type 2 Diabetes.  But one of the things they have come up instead is a light show to mimic the experience of being frosted, sprinkled and then wrapped in foil.

I think they forgot the bit where whole families should be consumed in one sitting by some fat kid in front of the TV playing video games.   Maybe it was considered but then scratched off as it would have taken them over budget.  Real estate in Times Square is pricey after all.

Another thing they offer is for people to put together their on variety packs.  On site will be vending machines that will have around 20 of the regular flavor they offer on a full time basis where people can put together two six count boxes for $12.

Wouldn’t it be cheaper to let people loose in the related section of Wal-Mart?  Give the kids a twenty dollar bill and let them go hog wild.  Not only is it cheaper, but then they can get flavors that visitors to New York get jipped out of.  Furthermore once they get halfway through the stockpile of the things that when they see them in the morning they’ll turn and say “Fuck it, Mom… can you make me some eggs Benedict?”  Then you can give the rest of them to a food bank.  A better breakfast is had, poor people are fed… everybody wins!

One final thing they offer at Pop Tarts World are new recipes that involve using these supposed pastries.  An item on the menu includes various flavors of Pop Tarts that are minced and then rolled up with a fruit roll up.

They refer to it as Pop Tarts Sushi.

Do we really need another reason to apologize to the Japanese?

When considering what the fill your personal fuel tank with first thing after sunrise, make sure it is something that will at least keep you going through the first half of your day.  From some reason I’m betting that sugar and pie crust won’t do it.

How should Pop Tarts be fucked in the ass: with a breakfast taco.  Preferably stuffed with chorizo, onions, and jalapeno peppers.